Run Faster By Opening Your Pie Hole

Open Up

August weather has been incredible so far. I’ve done the math, and have determined it’s roughly 1,000,000% better than July. I’m still running the numbers but July might have set a record for face melting.

With the milder temperatures, I’ve returned to running (the kinetic kind, not the “away from my problems” kind). I’ve still got my eye on running faster and breaking 2 hours for my next half marathon.

Of course, I’m running it with my brother, who likes to train unconventionally. His method goes like this:

• Don’t train at all
• Show up on race day
• Run 13.1 miles

I’ve seen him do this in 5 previous half marathons without fail. He’s even broken the 2-hour mark with this method. I don’t know how he does it.

Anyway, as it’s more important to me to have a fun race with my brother, we might run slower depending on how he feels. But I’m still interested in training with a goal just to keep things interesting.

Mile Repeats Repeats (haha)

Handy methods for speed improvements include intervals and mile repeats. Interval runs involve all-out sprinting for a short period of time, followed by a recovery period, then a sprint, etc. Mile repeats are like they sound: run a mile at a certain pace, recover, run another mile.

I decided nothing makes Thursdays quite as interesting as passing out, so I completed this ambitious repeat sequence today. It went as follows:

1. Walk/warm-up
2. Run 1 mile at 8:30 pace
3. Walk one minute
4. Run 1 mile at 8:00 pace
5. Walk one minute
6. Run 1 mile at 7:30 pace
7. Walk one minute
8. Run 1 mile at 7:00 pace
9. Walk one minute
10. Run 1 mile at 6:30 pace
11. Walk/cool-down
12. Throw up and die
13. Get re-animated
14. Towel off and drink some water

If You Run Faster You Will Be Faster

I’ve found that while I enjoy running, I really don’t enjoy running for speed. Probably because running faster is harder! I can’t just get in a groove and coast if I’m trying to run fast. There’s a time and place for everything though.

The best part about interval runs of any kind is that they don’t take as long to finish, which is awesome. Even when you add the time after the run where I die get re-animated by a shaman, intervals are still faster than steady state runs.

Here’s a logic bomb for you: if you want to finish a run of a particular distance in a faster time, you have to run faster. There is no other way. No shortcut. I’ve tried very hard to find another way and have been unsuccessful.

Why Try to Fly High? Aye, Because Pie

This is a good time to mention the secret to my running motivation. People run for different reasons: health, fun, endorphins, etc. But there is a motivator even stronger than any of these: guilt. The best motivation for a long or punishing run is a big ol’ helping of guilt.

My favorite way to feel guilty is to stuff something unhealthy into my pie hole. But don’t be fooled, you can use other foods besides pie to feel guilty after you’re done eating them. Pizza, ice cream, doughnuts, candy…the list of foods that will work is limited only by your imagination.

Yesterday I loaded up on some ice cream. Two scoops of cookie dough –> two scoops of guilt. Voila! Fool-proof recipe for getting on the road.

Full disclosure: this plan has nothing to do with calories. This strategy is guaranteed to make you fat over the long run. But I didn’t say this would make you thin! I just said it would give you motivation to run.

Anecdotal evidence also suggests this strategy will improve your running speed. As long as you are running downhill.